I don't want to be messed up anymore, with the issues, memories and reminders of an ex-boyfriend chasing me around. 

I just want to get to know myself, and my values and what I'm looking for. I want to be happy again, but happy because I have no reason not to be, not because I have a reason to be. Hard to explain.

So, some of these might be repeat lessons learnt, and some new. Here are twenty-six things I've learnt about myself in the past two months.

1. I have a bucket list that I'd like to cross off before I die. A number of them I want to cross off before I turn 21.
2. People think I am older than I am. I think it's a good thing.
3. My family is a little bit (or a lot) snobby and exclusive, and not friendly like normal people. They also dress quite poorly, apart from my brother and occasionally, my sister.
4. I struggle to find the definition for happiness.
5. I struggle to define what love is. I am a skeptic.
6. I like cuddling.
7. Friends are good to talk to. But when I was seriously on the verge of moving out on the spot, I could not think of a single person who would have a spare room or be comfortable offering their house.
8. The man I am going to marry is the one that will say "no" to sex.
9. What happened between James and I was my fault. I need to fix it. I want to fix it. As friends.
10. I am strongly curious. Always have been, always will be.
11. I think I will accept that I am bisexual. But officially, I am straight. Linking to the last point, a lot of it at the moment is curiosity.
12. It's soothing when people sing to me or around me.
13. I would give an arm to be able to sing.
14. I have a real passion for playing drums.
15. According to Michael, who has been teaching me drums and driving manual, I am a fast learner. Seconded by Joey who taught me how to pass a rugby ball. Thirded by Dennis who taught me how to throw an American football.
16. I really like Red Bull.
17. Drinking is apart of New Zealand society, which I am apart of and it's immature to avoid it because of "health concerns" and "reputation" when you know how to drink in moderation or drink responsibly. And I think it's okay to get drunk sometimes.
18. I am scared to be jealous again. I don't like the person I am in relationships.
19. Boys who swear give me thrills.
20. I am picky about boys.
21. I eat like a pig. When I'm hungry, there really is no stopping. I am hungry right now.
22. There are all these places I need to visit and all these things I want to do before I start teaching. Volunteer Gap Year 2013, hopefully.
23. I'm not going to let anyone get in the way of doing something I believe in.
24. I am a thrill seeker.
25. I spend money like water. Therefore, greatly in need of budgeting advice.
26. I like kissing and holding hands.

Why the fuck should I get blamed for "finding reasons to be mad" when I have been holding onto this secret for so long? He gave me his password, don't be surprised when I actually use it, alright. 

I'm not gonna be fuckin dragged along the ground while you go around acting like a skuxx and doing whatever you want. This is bullshit I hate relationships. I'M NOT EVEN IN ONE. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

I don't even know what I'm writing, I'm mad beyond anything. Fuck this. YOU. Don't expect me to come crawling back to you if there's no promise of change. It's fuckin bullshit and why should I be the only one going crazy? And sometimes I am unreasonable but sometimes I'm completely legit. What is the difference between replying to me and replying to other people? I don't see why it's so fucking hard.

FWEUNVEJKRNVKCLJIOEGNJKVNQENGODVMBEIBNRONMFV;KENFKLVAD;JKVDSFED 

When I was there with you, every night was a dreamless sleep, knowing you were lying there right beside me. I didn't need to dream, because I had everything I needed right there and then.

And now that I am back here and you are there... Every night, I dream of you.

So maybe I am crazy for doing this. But I have to. I don't know what else to do.

This whole summer, Nico and I have had some severe problems throughout, that we have been working on. He has to learn how to trust me, and I, gain back his trust. He has somehow confirm our relationship, moving forward, possibly starting anew so that I know he isn't going to go back to Dunedin and just go to Jenny and pursue this thing he has with her. I just want to know that I am still the love of his life, if we get back together.
However, I don't think I will be able to do this because he's trying to forgive me, but he can't forget it. And he's still in love with Jen, and I can't forget it. Feelings don't just go away because you tell them to. That's not how it works. As much as I wish it did.
So, I have a plan. There's a week til he has to go back to Otago. I am still contemplating going, depending on how the next few days go. From now on, I will just let things be. If he makes a comment or says something that happens to upset me, I will smile it off. No more asking about Jen. Brush off his Otago references. I will make funny jokes and not linger on stupid things that will make me unhappy. I will be a good friend, and if need be, good "girlfriend". I will be there for him when he needs me, no more upsetting him. He will run back to me eventually. I will make him fall in love with me again, like he used to. I will keep my promises for reputations' sake and he'll realise that I will do anything for him. I will wait for him, I may as well embrace a new, delusional self while I'm at it. At least it's a form of hope. All I have to do, is stop overthinking everything. So, keep myself busy with University. I'm trying to get into honours as well anyway. So this'll work out. Everything will be okay in the end. It's not okay, so it must not be the end, right? It'll work out. All I have to do, is not get hurt. All I have to do, is not hurt myself. These are just hard moments, things will work out eventually.
They tell you that hope can kill a person. But it can help me survive too. In the end, even if things don't work out the way I planned, I'll be devastated beyond belief. Maybe I'll be broken, but that's just life. Experiences make or break you. Maybe I'll be stronger. At least I know that I did everything I could to keep fighting for him. I would rather look back on these years, and think about how stupid and naive I was, than regret not taking action and wonder how different things would have been had I kept fighting with everything that I had.

fuck you world for making me believe in this life.

fuck the movies for making me believe in stupid fairy tales and idealised futures and true love. nothing ever works out like they do in movies. or even in your head.

and most of all. fuck you. girl, for making more mistakes than you can even count. you screwed up your own relationship because you dont think enough about what you are doing and saying. for not taking action when you had the chance.

i dont want to spend anymore nights. pathetic. curled up in bed. staring at the wall. tears. uncontrollable. that pain in my hands. its real. its more real than any of the bullshit love stories.

i dont believe in anything anymore. and the rain is pouring, why cant it wash these emotions away. i dont want them anymore.

I had a dream about you the other night. The first one I've had in a while, since you moved away. I miss you. It feels like you are disappearing. I havent heard from you today but I am tired of chasing you. If you want me, I will know.

The dream was I wasnt with you anymore. I was out shopping with another, some blonde. Average looking, nothing on you. He liked me and I could feel it, oh so much. And I was just trying to forget. And I was driving this amazing black Lexus, maybe it was his. Maybe I was so lonely that the shopping and Lexus were the reasons I was there with him... And then you came back to the city. You were back in my life. And the shopping and the Lexus didnt matter anymore. And I tried not to be bad to him. But you made me run away with you. And the Lexus got stolen, because you told me to leave it in the carpark. You were here again and you swept me away with you.

It just goes to show. I will always go back to him, even if we disappear for a bit in between. It'll be Us in the end. He knew it from the beginning. I dont know how.

I feel so empty. Long distance is hard, we barely speak. Even though I feel as if all my thoughts are automatically sent to him. Its hard to hear him anymore. I hope he can still hear me.

iloveyou.

To the love of my life,

It's time that we really thought about what we're getting into and had a decent talk about it, instead of pretending that everything will magically be okay somehow, pretending that love is ALWAYS enough. Everyone knows that isn't true. No matter how strong it is, sometimes it is just not enough.

For the past few weeks things have been different. It is only less than two months before you have to gallavant across the country to university for a five-year degree. I love that you are following your dream. I understand, and I wouldn't let you stay in Auckland just for me.

You have always been the one to say no. No, let's not go too far tonight. No, I don't want you to drink tonight. No, I want to go home now. No, I dont want to go. I'm sorry that your promises have had to be broken. I know that you have to be with your family and I do understand. I shouldntve acted the way I did. But its not just about broken promises. Its about the difference in the past few weeks. Maybe we are panicking, maybe the time apart has brought US apart. Whatever it is, it is my turn to say no.

No, Nico, I dont think I can do this. Maybe its time to accept the fact that long distance is something that is not in the cards for us and we are not one of those rare couples with the magical love stories who find a way to make it work. Maybe we were meant to meet, have our time together and then part as friends. Yes, everyday I wonder why God let me meet you when it would just lead to this inevitable pain and sorrow. Unbelievable pain.

But if you agree that we should just be friends, then I think it will be much easier on us. We can still remain close but we can see other people. We can experience the world, with no regrets or setbacks, rules of conduct. Nothing will hold us back, and we can still maintain a close friendship. It will be easier in time. Trust me. I know you will ask me, 'so you want to see other people? Is that it?' No, that is not it. I dont want to see other people. I dont want to see anyone else. But I dont want to not see you. So what choice do I have? I am not sure if you will understand this, and what I mean exactly. I will try to explain. You will be in Otago and I will be here in Auckland. If I am not seeing you (since you are all the way on the other side of the country), who am I seeing? If we are apart, who is there to give us a congratulatory hug? A comforting kiss when we want to forget the world? A friendly handshake? A warm body to sleep next to on a lonely night? Someone's hand to squeeze during a scary movie? As much as you would like to be there all these times, you wont. You cant. You say you will still be there for me. And I want to believe you. But in the end, you cant be there for me all the time. Or even most of the time. Not even sometimes. You will be there for me occasionally. When you visit auckland or if I visit Otago. I predict we will see each other maybe four times a year. I dont want you to be lonely. And I dont want to be lonely. There is nothing else. I know you love me and I love you, but it will not be enough to fend off those lonely nights.

Please dont mistake this for me not wanting to be with you anymore. I do, more than anything in the world. But today you gave up on me. You told me you didnt think this would work, and you assumed that its over between us. All I want to do is talk. You never give us that chance. It seems that everytime theres even a possibility of us breaking up, you embrace it. You have never, not once, fought it. I have fought, many times for us. But I think its time to stop fighting it. Maybe it was fate that brought us together. But again, fate seems to be the one to take us apart. Maybe you were only meant for bringing me out of that dark period in my life, and I, to bring you greater motivation for the year. These goals have been achieved. Maybe there is nothing more for us.

Remember, always, that I still love you. And when I said forever, I meant FOREVER. True love doesnt just go away. Even if we never meet again, and we see each other, married to different people in our new lives, I guarantee that this love I have for you will still be in my heart. I will wait for five years for you to return to me, and if then you would like to try it again then I will be more than happy. I just hope that in the meantime, you might find someone to get you through the years, better than I ever could. I love you, always. Thank you for our amazing times together and for the love you have given me. I am sorry that it had to be this way, and that life turns out to have unexpected endings. Life just happens. Thank you again, for teaching me to love. Mine will always remain unchanging, no matter what my experiences will have been in five years.

I love you. Forever.

Take care, and keep smiling,

J.

Wow. I never saw this coming. I mean, I was afraid of it since I got the letter (bounding me to stay in Auckland while he goes off to Otago - the other side of the freakin' country). We said we would try long distance yet we fight and we fight. We can't get to any common ground and the jealousy I know will kill both of us. I really dont know what to do anymore. Actually I do. I just dont want to do it.

We had a fight last night and all I can think is Why do I ask him these questions? But its good now that I can see his point of view. I told him once that I'd rather argue with him than talk about bullshit with someone else. I meant it before. I'm not sure I mean it anymore. When we fight, he runs away. But I'm over this. I'm sick of chasing him. And God knows where he runs to. Her, perhaps? That's my jealousy getting the better of me but at the moment I am considering everything.

He sees me in a different way. I used to think he really, really loved me, no matter what. But now I think he loves me under certain conditions. And its fuckin hurts like hell to realise that after all this time. I thought it was one of those full-blown windswept romances that happen just like that. Like even though we have to wait 5 years with each other across the country, that we'd make it in the end to our 'happily ever after'. I never saw this coming.

And you know what's weird and hurts surprisingly? That he doesn't even want me. He loves me. But not really, at the same time. He loves with the prospect of what I could be. What he wants me to be. And in the end, if I am so perfect and sexy, then why doesn't he even want my body? He doesn't want my body, he doesn't want me on the inside, the real me. So what does he want? And why does he stay with me?

I hurt him too. I know I do and I don't do it on purpose. But I am just self destructive like that I guess. It's like all this time I'm waiting for him to leave me. Maybe I should do him a favour and let him go. Or at least pretend to, for his sake. So he can realise, that he never really loved me. Not properly. And he can move on and have his happy ending.

As for me? I don't really have a future without him. But he has one without me. So I think I will have to do this. Maybe I'll live through this. But even if I don't, that doesn't matter. The idea of being without him doesn't really appeal to me anyway.

"I love you enough to let you go." - Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson.

I hate that quote, with every fibre of my being. N4J almost 4 months. So why do I keep thinking about this? I am changing. And it always, always, always comes back to those moments. It comes back to that day, that night. So many tears, but I'm not sure I would call them wasted. Maybe I just need to be stronger. I'm telling myself, maybe you just need to let it go. Maybe talking about it will make it worse. Maybe you need to forget. You tell yourself, don't look back, you can never look back. How do I move forward to the future when I haven't even moved on from the past? And I don't care if it'll take a 3-hour talking session in the back of his car. I don't care if it takes a whole night. I don't care if we make a no-sexual-contact pact until we sort these issues out. I love him. I may just be a seventeen year old high school student, but I know what I feel. Call it teenage love, call it whatever you want. But you know, nobody has the right to deny anyone of love. Love is felt by everyone, even the kindergarten couple caught holding hands in the playground. Love is magic, in that way. Once it hits you, you can't get up again. It pins you down. I almost lost him. And I'm changing. I begged him to stay. I apologized. I cried. And not just a few tears, they fell as fast and uncontrollably as the rain amidst a storm. And it felt like that, it really did. Like I was right in the middle of that storm. When everything is crashing around you, what can you do? Love is the most exhilirating, yet painful feeling anyone will ever experience. I don't know how to let him go. I will not let him go. I refuse to. And I'm not sure why. As I sit here thinking about it, you know what? I should have let this end. I shouldn't've told him I would move to Otago with him. I should have never made those plans. I know my place is in Auckland and there are a million reasons why I should be in Auckland instead of Otago. But my heart knows, that even a million reasons, even a gazillion trillion reasons, do not measure up to Nico. He is everything to me. I contemplated the state of my mind if I were to lose him. And as much as I have always wished I was strong enough, I am not. Losing him is something I am simply not prepared to do at this point, or ever. I wish he had never been the reason I cried myself to sleep. I wish he had never been the reason I collapsed into the shoulder of a friend in uncontrollable tears. I wish he had never been the reason that I contemplated my own death if he were to leave me, the most serious contemplation in my entire life. I wish things were different. Do I regret falling in love with him? I'm not sure anymore. I regret it happening so fast. In an ideal world, I wish I had met him later. I wish we weren't going off to university next year. I wish we didn't have to make decisions that would not only decide our careers for the rest of our lives, but determine everything in our lives. I wish we had met at a time when we didn't need to make the decision to have to give something up for someone else. So many wishes. But we are here. Love is all about obstacles right? What if we can't overcome it? What if I stay in Auckland. And what if he comes back six years later. In a relationship. Married. I will be happy for him. But I know, even six years down the road, he will still be on my mind. Sometimes it does hurt being with him. But not being with him hurts so much more. It is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I would rather walk in front of a bus than go through that again. And can I say it has made me stronger? No. It has made me more vulnerable. It has made me weak. It's like a wearing down process. I don't know why but I can feel it coming. But I get the feeling that he thinks that I want to talk too much. I am changing. But our entire relationship feels different. I can't explain it but I get the worst feelings. I feel like... like we are friends again. And it is the weirdest feeling in the world. Because I think we both know it.